Well, do you?
Before anyone panics I am not contemplating suicide but if you are reading this and either you yourself or someone you know is battling such thoughts please please please reach out and get help. Nothing is worth ending it all, regardless of how you feel now, I've had my own dark thoughts and even tried ... and I stress the word tried ... similar as a teen and remembering how I felt then still terrifies me immensely. Think of the positives, if you have family, think of them and reach out there are those who can help.
I want to have a life again, where going out to something as simple as a winter craft fair at my nephews primary school doesn't fill me with dread. But it does.
The current climate towards those who you know are physically (or mentally/emotionally) disabled has made doing the simplest of daily tasks which require you leaving the sanctity of your own home nearly impossible. As well as stressful and terrifying.
I suffer greatly from fatigue and battle it daily to allow me to even get up and dress in the mornings. The days of jumping out of bed, dressing, grabbing some toast and heading out my door all in less than half an hour are a far distant memory. Now it takes me a half hour alone at least just to get dressed after being awoken. I then struggle downstairs to have my first intake of medications and a rest (of at least another half hour) before I can even think of doing anything else let alone leaving home to do the grocery shopping or attend an appointment.
Tomorrow I have a longer list than the norm to get through which will take up nearly the whole day for me given my need for regular rest periods.
I have to visit two family graves to lay down Christmas wreaths. I have to go with my parents into the city centre and pick up a couple of Christmas presents I can't get delivered on-line from the web to save me time and pain and exhaustion. My parents then want to visit the freezer shop which's only branch is in our city centre to store up the freezer food to keep us going if the weather continues to deteriorate as it has this week so that we don't have to struggle out when the weather is really horrid.
I didn't have to do the school pick-ups today so in place of that task we did the grocery shop from the supermarket after dropping my nephew at nursery at lunchtime today thinking it would be one less task for tomorrow which even without it was going to be a busy, tiring and painful day for me given the list of things I had to do.
So instead my list had went from 4 tasks to 3 tasks but tonight my eldest nephew phoned and asked my Mum to attend his craft fair tomorrow afternoon at 2pm. Which means I have to deliver wreaths, pick up Christmas presents, go to the freezer shop, go home and have a quick lunch and be at his school by 2pm to see his crafts fair.
I'm feeling incredibly tired already just thinking about it. So an early night for me and I just hope I can actually sleep a bit tonight. I have difficulty sleeping at the best of times but given my flare ups and the pain I'm experiencing because of them, it's even harder than normal to get any actual sleep. That's not even taking the gale force winds we are suffering in my part of Scotland this week which doesn't help in the least.
I would love just to experience one of those days I used to have when I had all the energy I wished for and would jump out of bed and rush out without a second thought. It's been so long since I had one of those days that I can't remember life before becoming that horrible word ... disabled.
All of us out there who are labelled disabled, suffer from long term illness or have been diagnosed with a serious disease, we were once considered normal. We lived, we worked, we loved life even on our bad days. We didn't ask for our medical problems or the effect they would wreak on said lives. Please remember that when you see someone struggle along with their crutches, in a chair, or similar that we aren't all that different from you.
It's just our bodies or our minds have become sick in some way and impacted on our life. We'd love to think ourselves well, not possible, take a magic tablet which would cure us completely, also not possible but what is possible is instead of staring or pointing just say hello. Who knows? You might just make a new friend.